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Best Quotes

Quotes

The Gang (2019–2021)

  • “Beyond these doors lies the test of the Pharaoh. Turn now from this doom of power and evil from a heartless man.” — Pat, reading the door inscription 2019-10-15 @ 00:17:51
  • “I suppose I can tell you I’m the Dread Pirate Bobber. Fishmen of the high seas.” — Rich, to Andrew 2019-10-15 @ 01:14:26
  • “We beat D&D, Molly. We did it.” — Jake (OOC) 2019-10-15 @ 02:27:37
  • “It’s like you move forward. And it’s like, no. You feel pushback. And then you inflict pain. And it’s like screaming in pain.” — Pat, narrating elemental control 2020-01-20 @ 02:52:14
  • “I feel like this ship is, if it’s not already made us slide into the evil bracket, it’s pretty guaranteeing… Everything about this is powered by evil.” — Rich 2020-01-20 @ 02:47:05
  • “By the winds of the elemental blade, I will escape and I will throw you into the abyss. Ah!” — Pop Jack (voiced by Pat) 2020-01-28 @ 00:48:23
  • “That’s a Pat original right there.” / “I made this magic item hell long ago.” — Jake and Pat (OOC), on discovering the Mishan potato sack was Pat’s own homebrew artifact 2020-01-28 @ 01:50:57
  • “Shoggoth is a monster in the Cthulhu mythos. This might be it, boys.” — Pat 2020-03-16 @ 00:41:30
  • “91 damage, I die.” — Ozan 2020-03-24 @ 01:59:28
  • “You weren’t a threat. We had to deal with the box… And Ozone tried stopping me.” — Nutty, as the possessing demon 2020-03-24 @ 02:23:26
  • “…it was Nutty the whole fucking time. You rubes.” — Jake (OOC) 2020-03-24 @ 02:58:45
  • “Feed me, feed me. I’m going to eat you. I’m going to eat your soul.” — Pat, as the soul-sucking demon 2020-03-25 @ 01:55:52
  • “Guys, we made it back to Squiles. We are perfectly fucking safe here. Thank God.” — Rich (in-game, moments before realizing they’re in the Feywild) 2020-03-25 @ 02:38:00
  • “And I love that no matter what you were like, I don’t fucking care about the hell. I don’t care about the dungeon. I don’t care about anybody. I care about blood.” — Pat (OOC) 2020-03-25 @ 02:44:46
  • “I scream out one word, heresy.” — Jake, in-game, while being dragged into the Ethereal Plane 2020-04-06 @ 01:33:44
  • “You’re surrounded by people peeing on you and tiny fire elementals essentially dancing around a urination-like ceremony. It’s very strange.” — Pat, narrating Obadiah’s rescue 2020-04-06 @ 01:46:06
  • “Who the fuck writes zero-level scrolls?” — Pat (OOC) 2020-04-06 @ 02:00:26
  • “Do not open the box… I’m telling you this for your own good, man.” — Jake, to Pat, play-acting concern over the Apocalypse Box 2020-04-13 @ 01:26:03
  • “Donnie, you think it’s a glabra zoo. In fact, you’re pretty damn positive it’s a Glabra Zoo.” / “That word sounds made up.” — Pat and Donnie 2020-04-13 @ 01:52:04
  • “I push my claws and spread open his stomach and then poke my head to the middle and say hi to Jake.” — Nutty, delivering the finishing blow on the glabrezu demon 2020-04-13 @ 03:35:05
  • “Shit, they’re profiling some racist shit going on.” — Nutty, in-game 2020-09-28 @ 00:18:17
  • “Not to jinx or anything, but that seemed to work out fucking the best ever. I don’t think we’ve ever had a plan go that well before.” — Nutty (OOC) 2020-09-28 @ 02:21:53
  • “He said a fucking lot. He said we’re going to be rich.” — Pat, in-game, re: the job’s (never-recalled) payment 2020-09-28 @ 03:23:03
  • “There’s definitely some roots going on in there. Rektu, Resu.” — Jess, theorizing about the Nexus activation phrase 2021-10-19 @ 01:12:17
  • “…he walks your ass out to the church steps and puts your ass on the fucking porch and fucking goes back inside.” — Pat, narrating the priest ejecting paralyzed Nutty 2021-10-19 @ 02:06:28
  • “Just be careful, Nutty. When you kill children, the party tends to get mad at you. I’m just speaking purely from experience.” — Donnie (OOC) 2021-10-19 @ 02:30:40
  • “He’s cool. I like him.” — Ozan, on the Sphinx painting 2021-10-19 @ 03:00:51
  • “This motherfucker uses smite good on your ass.” — Pat 2021-11-02 @ 01:07:28
  • “And Nutty… Your sword… turns into a mimic and attacks the shit out of you.” — Pat 2021-11-02 @ 01:31:12
  • “Legends also say that the dagger is a harsh critic.” — Pat, describing the dagger of the poet 2021-11-02 @ 02:13:11
  • “Grants to where the ability to cast the following spell at will. Summon Toboggan.” — Pat, revealing a joke item 2021-11-02 @ 02:17:24

Ravenloft (2022–2023)

  • “You don’t die by the hands of a vampire. You see your own death. You choke on a sausage in like four years and die.” — Pat, as Madame Eva’s vision, to Todd 2022-12-06 @ 03:45:11
  • “Those who come disappear forever. Their souls join the horde that goes to revisit him every night.” — Pat, narrating a tavern patron 2022-12-06 @ 02:29:09
  • “Welcome to Castle Ravenloft, my dear adventurers. I am Strad von Zerlvik, lord of this domain…” — Pat, as Strahd 2022-12-18 @ 00:42:14
  • “…be funny if the first hit of the entire game one hit killed one of the players.” — Rich (OOC) 2022-12-18 @ 02:46:55
  • “Funny thing about gas, it fills the volume of whatever container it’s in.” — Jake, in-game explanation (right before setting the room on fire) 2022-12-26 @ 01:34:21
  • “I don’t have a mouth, darling.” — Pat, as Bartholomew 2022-12-26 @ 02:21:56
  • “My fucking god, you are my god damn hero, holy shit, I fucking love you, man.” — Pat, as Murph, freed from his cell 2022-12-26 @ 03:06:01
  • “That fucking goal session was just a giant trap.” / “Like Sisyphus.” — Pat and Jess (OOC) 2022-12-26 @ 04:23:43–04:24:01
  • “This is the best idea I’ve ever had in D&D.” — Jess, on inventing “piss coat” 2023-01-30 @ 03:30:00
  • “D&D has never been easier with this one simple trick.” — Nutty (OOC) 2023-01-30 @ 04:34:19
  • “I’m dead.” / “Undead.” — Donnie and Rich, on Donnie’s character dying and rising as a vampire thrall 2023-01-30 @ 05:14:49
  • “Oh God, what a shit show.” — Jake (OOC) 2023-01-30 @ 05:28:15
  • “I don’t actually have flesh, so I don’t know how necrotic damage would work on me.” — Rich, in-game, on his android PC 2023-02-12 @ 01:40:09
  • “I don’t think I’ve ever rolled as well as when I went to kill Jake.” / “Dude, yes, you fucking dude, you rolled great stabbing that knife into my kidney.” — Jess and JB (OOC), on a domination-forced sneak attack 2023-02-12 @ 02:06:04–02:06:11
  • “Yeah, with the power of friendship.” — JB (OOC), summing up the party’s survival 2023-02-12 @ 02:25:45
  • “Fuck, dude. That’s the best fucking thing he could have done. Yeah, dude, next time, start there.” — Pat, to Jess, after her Shadow Clone jutsu 2023-03-12 @ 01:30:00
  • “Okay, guys, I just want to let you know, like, we’re doing great here. We need to trust each other a lot more. We can fuck these things. Good teamwork.” — Jake 2023-03-12 @ 02:29:07
  • “That motherfucker, Donovan went, end of the mystic, and passed through the walls, and then we went up and… We beat that fucker’s ass that we had no idea was coming, because Donovan didn’t want to tell us anything at all before he turned.” — Jake, in-game recap of Donovan’s betrayal 2023-03-18 @ 00:14:06
  • “And you were talking to us anyway, Donovan. You could have gave us the full fucking okay… But no, you died and turned to miss like a bitch.” — Jake, in-game 2023-03-18 @ 00:19:52
  • “I sense betrayal in the air.” / “Yes, you should, Donnie. Ironic you say that.” — Donnie and Jake 2023-03-18 @ 00:44:39–00:44:43
  • “You were attacked by like 19 ghosts you couldn’t fucking touch.” — Jake (OOC), recapping the servants’ dining hall ambush 2023-03-18 @ 00:13:45
  • “The odds of that happening are fucking insane. That was a fucking wipe, my friend.” — Nutty (OOC) 2023-03-18 @ 00:57:22

JakeDM’s Campaign (2023)

  • “He’s like, ‘that’s the thousand now. And then the 8,000 when the chopstick.’” — Jake, as Mitch Copperhead, in-game 2023-09-12 @ 02:14:02
  • “If you have to leave, I guess it’s close on the wall one at a time. Preferably that cute little fella.” — Jake, as Mary, in-game 2023-09-12 @ 03:08:00
  • “Bro, fuck the XP. We got the loot. Let’s get the fuck out of here. Ocean’s 11.” — Pat (OOC) 2023-10-01 @ 02:48:16
  • “We’re not retreating, we’re advancing towards future victory.” — Pat, in-game 2023-10-01 @ 03:09:20
  • “Bro, the reason you guys are not giving flight to your flightless characters is the rudest shit in the world. Looking at you, Nut.” — Jake (OOC) 2023-10-01 @ 04:29:31
  • “I mean, we got a crystal from a skeleton child in our dreams, and we got a curse in the back of her hand. I don’t… It’s not really seeming easy.” — Jace, in-game 2023-10-08 @ 02:16:18
  • “Favor’s cheap as shit in my campaign.” — Pat (OOC, as DM) 2023-10-08 @ 03:03:54
  • “God, I love wood magic.” — Pat, in-game, after leveling a city with his first fire blast 2023-10-15 @ 00:53:01
  • “Should I slide my character from chaotic neutral to chaotic evil now?” — Pat (OOC) 2023-10-15 @ 01:31:01
  • “So many things are fucking happening. Like, it’s all dead and horrible, but it’s also just fucking next level.” — Jake (OOC) 2023-10-15 @ 02:17:43
  • “There is literally no help coming… when’s your city’s bomb, guess what? You’re automatically a fucking immigrant.” — Jake, narrating the evacuation 2023-10-24 @ 00:29:33
  • “This is also pretty fucking evil.” — Rich (OOC), on the soul device 2023-10-24 @ 00:23:54
  • “Chekhov’s magic nuke.” — Jess, on the soul device 2023-10-24 @ 00:24:26
  • “Wizards are all the same. If I had a spell called Skeleton Crew, do you think my boy would be out here?” — Jake, as Gustav, in-game 2023-10-24 @ 00:39:57
  • “Don’t sell me, motherfucker.” — Rich, in-game, to Greg 2023-10-24 @ 03:14:37
  • “The artifact known as the Dyson Dynamo holds power behind our comprehension… it could actually unravel the fabric of reality.” — Thornshade, in-game 2023-11-28 @ 00:38:31
  • “Quite a warrior… I’m sorry, my ego got the best of me.” — Thornshade, defeated, in-game 2023-11-28 @ 01:08:41
  • “It’s rocket powered, man. That’s all I can say about it.” — Donovan, bluffing the goblin crew, in-game 2023-11-28 @ 02:23:11
  • “Here lies Jake Benz: room for improvement.” — Jake (OOC), on his own tombstone joke 2023-11-28 @ 00:20:59

DungeonVice (2025)

  • “He’s a handsome troll. He’s about 12 feet tall.” — Jake, on the Boot’s reputation 2025-03-31 @ 00:04:23
  • “I don’t need your life, sir. I just wanted to understand what happened to your husband.” — Ozone, to Riggs’s Widow 2025-03-31 @ 00:17:34
  • “Bringing a net to a gunfighter.” — Nutty (OOC) 2025-03-31 @ 01:34:19
  • “They ran right in the fucking web. Twat waffles.” — Rich (OOC) 2025-03-31 @ 01:52:14
  • “I’ll live forever, motherfucker. I’ll live forever.” — Jake, voicing a dying guard 2025-03-31 @ 02:25:19
  • “Mama so bad she has more rolls than a bakery.” — Ozone, mid-spell 2025-03-31 @ 02:27:09
  • “His ship’s not leaving the harbor. I hope he’s a good swimmer.” — Rich, in-game 2025-03-31 @ 03:10:43
  • “Oh, son of a bitch.” — Pat (OOC), returning to find he’d missed the level-up 2025-03-31 @ 03:18:34

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